Appearance
by Swan.Mills7
Summary: Emma sacrifices herself for Regina one last time. Regina sees Emma's life being extinguished right before her eyes. She's helpless to stop it. How will she deal with her unresolved feelings for the blonde? What will she do when its too late to voice them? Angst. SwanQueen. Rated R for language and theme


The Final Battle happened too fast. Regina doesn't remember any of it. Only the aftermath.

The black fairy had combined her dark magic with pixie dust and redirected it all through a crystal. She then pointed the crystal at Regina and shot its magic at her. But Regina was prepared for the impact. The fairy didn't know that Regina could neutralize her attack by absorbing the crystal's combined magic. Regina had meant to bait the fairy into attacking her all along. Regina and Emma had a ground plan and they were sure it would work. They had found a spell that allowed magic to be channeled and released, and because of Regina's ability to yield both dark and light magic she was the perfect candidate for the job. Her sacrifice would stop the fairies for good. Whether or not Regina would survive it remained to be seen. But Regina was willing to take the risk.

Except she didn't get the chance to, because Emma didn't follow the plan, and at the last moment she pushed Regina aside and took the hit for her.

At first Regina didn't understand what had happened. She knew this was not like all the other times when Emma had idiotically put herself in harm to save her, this was not something Emma could come back from. Emma didn't have enough experience with dark magic to be able to withhold it. There was no saving her from this. And Emma knew it, Regina had warned her how powerful those crystals were, how they would go straight for her soul. Emma knew she couldn't possibly survive it. She knew it and she did it anyway.

And now Emma is dead.

Her lifeless body thrown aside like an afterthought. Blond hair mixed with blood and dirt covering her face. Emerald eyes remain opened but their light is gone, gone forever. She doesn't exactly look peaceful, though everyone went quite, not a breath can be heard. But no, Emma doesn't look peaceful, there's something unusual about her expression, she looks docile, tamed. If there were ever two words to describe Emma Swan they were certainly not those. Emma was anything but. This is all wrong.

Regina wants to go to her. She still can't believe Emma had pushed her aside. She had been ready to die today. She had been willing to die if she had to. Henry would have understood. He would have been proud even. But Emma got in the way and everything went wrong. Emma, unwieldy Emma Swan, who always refused to do what Regina wanted her to, she ruined everything. Emma died in her place.

And what will Regina do now? How is she supposed to pick up the pieces of this all by herself? She can't. She won't. Regina needs Emma to be ok. To be in her life. Emma can't be gone. She just can't.

And so Regina pulls herself up. She puts everything she has into it, and it's not much, but she starts moving. Snow and David had seen everything happened from a distance and now they remain frozen on their spot. Eyes wide and terrified. They look at Regina pleadingly. They must know there's nothing Regina can do. Still they do what they do best, they hope. Regina refuses to look their way. If she sees the pain in their eyes, the panic, she might not overcome it. She never wanted this. Not even in her darkest hour did Regina wish this upon the Charmings. More than anything she wants to fix it. Give them their daughter back. The daughter they once lost because of her, she doesn't want to be the reason why they lose her again. She doesn't want them to lose her at all.

She needs to get to Emma, she needs to protect her for further harm. The battle is not over. But Emma's sacrifice has turned the tables, they might just win this after all. Not that it matters. Nothing matters anymore. Regina will not be going back to the battle. Her sister can handle the rest. Regina hopes Henry is still with her, Zelena did promise to look after him. She hopes he's with her, she can't have Henry anywhere near here. Henry can't see Emma like this. Emma would not have wanted her child to see her broken. She's his hero. She must remain whole in his mind.

Finally Regina reaches her. Emma feels so cold to the touch. Impossibly so. Regina touches her hands, her arms, her face. She can't believe this is happening. She cleans her own tears from Emma's face. She has to be strong, keep it together. But the tears won't stop coming, nor her unheard cries. She begs Emma to come back, to fight death. If anyone can do it, it's her. Emma Swan is larger than life, everyone knows it. But Emma remains unmoved, eyes unyielding. Regina closes them for her and the light from the world is no more.

Regina bends down and kisses Emma. She doesn't know what she is expecting, her kiss didn't save Daniel, why would Emma be any different? Still, she kisses her and puts everything into the kiss. Their first. Their last. She puts all her unvoiced feelings into it, all her magic, all her being. She feels their magic intertwining one last time, she feels the love and the loss, their combined strength, their unique link. She can feel the magic growing inside of her. She feels Emma. Emma looking at her, smiling at her, arguing with her, holding her. It lasts a second, a life time. And then Emma is gone. She feels her slowly slipping away.

Regina touches Emma's cheek one last time. Closes her eyes. Says goodbye. She can't believe she's saying Goodbye to Emma Swan. She opens her eyes again but she can't look at her anymore, it physically hurts, she can't handle it, and so she walks away.

She sees Snow and David running towards them. She can't face them. Not after failing them when it mattered the most. So she runs. She's no longer weak, she feels renewed, her magic restarted by Emma's. She's now resolute. She must make sure Emma's sacrifice wasn't in vain. And it starts with the battle. She can end it now.

And so she does. She channels the magic Emma absorbed from the crystal and uses it to destroy the fairies' defenses. It's easy, mechanical. Afterwards Regina finds her sister, Henry is with her and he smiles up at her and Regina sees his handsome, innocent face morph into concern. Surely he saw the distress in her eyes. Regina spots the fairies in the distance, retreating. She wants to eradicate them. Is that what Emma would have wanted? Is she going to ask herself that every time she needs life advice now? W.W.E.S.D. (What would Emma Swan do). The notion amuses her and for a second she feels normal again. Emma always did have that effect on her. If nothing else, she made her feel normal. She gave her the freedom to be herself.

Regina decides the fairies can go. They are powerless now. They have lost everything. Let them live and regret. Or not. She will not waste anymore time on them. She has a son to worry about. A son whose heart will soon be broken maybe irreparably. So she holds him tight. Caresses his hair. She feels him sobbing in her embrace. Her precious little prince, always so smart, so perceptive. He knows. He knows without her having to tell him. They cry together. Zelena doesn't know what is going on but she gives them space and walks away. She has a child of her own to get back to.

Regina and Henry find Snow and David at Emma's feet. They've cleaned her up, her blonde mane no longer covering her features. No trace of blood or dirt. She looks peaceful now. Like she's taking a nap. Except they know she will not be waking up from it.

Snow takes Regina's hand, her eyes are red and puffy, Regina senses what Snow wants to ask of her and she wishes more than anything that she could assuage her fears. But there's no coming back from this. Emma is not coming back. Before she can tell her so, Henry breaks down. David holds him and tells him it's going to be ok. No one actually believes it but it feels good to hear it, it needs to be said.

They argue about taking Emma to Regina's vault, it's the biggest in town and Emma deserves the best. Snow wants to take her to the hospital and make Whale bring her back, but they know it's futile and they don't want Emma to become some sort of experiment to Dr. Frankenstein. Eventually they agree on Regina placing a spell on Emma. One that will keep her beautiful face forever young at least until they are ready to say goodbye to her. Then she transports them all to Emma's house. They don't want to leave her yet, but they can't handle taking her back to the loft. It takes hours before they are ready to leave her alone. Henry and Regina leave first. She almost has to drag him out. But there's a town she needs to get back to, she needs to find out if everyone else made it out alive, if there are any more fatalities. Henry volunteers to help, but when they get to the manor Henry cries himself to sleep in the couch, exhausted at last.

Regina watches him sleep. She wishes Emma was there. Only yesterday Regina had been so mad at Emma. Emma had walked out of the church, walked out and left Hook behind, in the altar looking lost and resigned, like he expected it almost; and then Emma had left. Regina had been mad because she didn't know if Emma would be coming back, if she was gone forever, and it killed her to think she would never see her again, that she didn't get a chance to even say goodbye. Regina had been mad because when Emma came back, she acted like nothing was wrong, like she hadn't just broken Regina's heart (along with Henry's and her parents'). Regina had been mad at Emma because the blonde wouldn't confide in her, wouldn't tell her why she had stopped the wedding, why she refused to make eye contact with the mayor, to speak with her in private. Instead she only talked about the impeding battle, and Regina let her. But she remained mad at her. Hadn't she been there for Emma all along? Yes, she once told her that she was too good for Hook, that she was selling herself short. But it was the truth. And Regina never intervened in their relationship, she never tried to sabotage it. Even if seeing Emma with him killed her.

When Emma first got to town Regina had wanted nothing to do with her, she wanted her gone right away, gone from her house, from her town, from her life. But Emma stayed. She stayed and changed Regina's life forever. No other person has have a bigger impact on Regina's life than Emma. Neither Cora or Rumpelstiltskin who made her dark, nor Henry who made her light. Emma's impact on her life went beyond goodness and evil, beyond love and hate. Emma had saved her. She saved her from a town that wanted her death. She saved her from completely ruining her relationship with her son. She saved her from her enemies and helped her turn them into friends, family even. She saved her from a wrath, from a fire, from scheming villains. She saved her from herself. Emma Swan came into her life and made herself at home. She became her partner, her confident, her friend.

When Regina realized she had feelings for Emma it was too late to do anything about it. She realized one afternoon after her daily lunch with Emma in her office. Emma had brought grilled cheese for herself and a chicken Cesar salad for Regina, they had talked amicably about nothing in particular, shared root beers and laughs. After Emma left, Regina found herself thinking about Emma's dimples. She found them adorable and wondered how it would feel to caress them, to kiss them. Then she wondered how thick Emma's hair was, how it would feel under her fingers. Would Emma let her play with her hair? She wanted so badly to find out. She thought about Emma's sad smile, about her eyes, they were never the same exact shade. Regina snapped out of it and wondered why she couldn't stop thinking about the sheriff. She rationalized that it was acceptable to find Emma attractive, she was a very beautiful woman after all, no reason to deny it, though Regina knew that was not all she was. Emma had a nice personality too. Regina loved the way Emma was so unassuming. Breathtaking and yet so humble. She made friends easily and cared for them deeply. And she loved her confidence, how she walked into any place and owned it. Regina appreciated Emma's air of authority she enjoyed working with her and knowing she had her back, always. And she was smart too. Always willing to help out and take the initiative. But if she had to choose a favorite quality about Emma, Regina knew it would be the blonde's inner child. Emma was their son's best friend. She had found a perfect parenting balance with him, she loved spending time with him, playing video games, going to the park, reading his favorite comics but also helping him with his school projects and with his social life; she enjoyed listening to him talk about his ideals, his goals, his plans for the future. Regina was grateful for her. And she wanted more of her in her life.

That had been months ago. Sadly Regina didn't share this realization with Emma. She didn't want to ruin what they already had, their tentative friendship, their occasional filtrations, their easy banter. Besides Regina did not know how to love very well, she had never learned. She couldn't offer Emma a relationship. She had tried with Robin and look how that had ended. She didn't want the same for Emma. She would rather die alone than put Emma on harm's way.

So time passed by, their lives were interrupted several times. Villains came and went. Emma dated Hook and Regina remained by her side, as a friend. She supported their relationship and before she knew it she was helping Emma and Snow with wedding preparations.

Regina had dreaded the idea of Emma marrying Hook, she had dreaded it and she had wished she could stop it. But she supported it for Emma's sake. If the sheriff thought the pirate could made her happy then Regina would be happy for her.

Now she wishes she could see Emma again, even in that dreadful pearly dress Snow had picked for her. If it meant Emma was alive, breathing, being. Regina would witness her wedding to Hook a thousand times over. She would do it with a smile on her face.

Instead Emma is dead, her lifeless body only blocks away from her.

Regina has so many regrets. She should have hugged the blonde more, made her smile more. She should have told her how she felt, how she made her happy unawarely, how she loved spending time with her. Maybe they could have make it work. Maybe Emma would have been able to bring her walls down, maybe Emma would have been the one who helped her fix herself.

She regrets not speaking out when Emma started to change. Not radically but significantly. Emma started dressing differently, speaking up less frequently. She even reduced their lunch meetings to only twice a week. Regina didn't want to admit it but she missed Emma's red jacket, she missed her strong opinions, her harsh observations. But Emma was still Emma, and Regina didn't want to intrude. Emma could take of herself. She had to believe Emma knew what she was doing. All Regina could do was be there for her when she needed her to be.

Now Regina feels Emma's void in her heart. She knows she will never recover from it. And she blames herself. She should have known Emma would do something like this. Emma who is selfless and so brave. Emma who took the Dark One curse for her. Regina feels the Emma-shaped void she has in her heart overpowering everything else. The thug is so strong it physically hurts, it's like it's literally ripping out her heart.

Yet Regina knows she can't spend anymore time thinking about Emma. She needs to go back out, the town needs her. And so she goes. She covers Henry with a blanket, kisses his forehead and leaves. She means to puff back to the square, where the battle had taken place. Instead she appears in Emma's house. Snow and David are now gone. How long had she been sitting by Henry's side, lost in her thoughts? It's dark out now. No one has called her so she guesses there had been no more casualties after all. Emma's sacrifice the more relevant.

She walks upstairs towards the main bedroom. She doesn't know why, she knows she's being a masochist at this point, but she can't stay away. But the bed is empty. No trace of Emma anywhere. Had the Charmings moved her again? Unlikely. Had someone else taken Emma? Impossible. She would have sensed the barrier she placed in the house if someone else had entered it. So where was Emma?

Idiotically she calls Emma's name. She knows it's impossible Emma made it after all. She had held her lifeless body and kissed her unresponsive lips. She had felt Emma's energy leaving her body. How does one come back from that?

She tries again but there's no response. She can hear her heart pumping impossibly loud in her chest. Like it wants to escape. She wants to escape too. She wonders if this is some sort of cruel joke. Where's Emma? She wants to cry though there's no more tears left after the day she's had. Then she feels the thug in her heart again. Is it possible it is actual magic and not just sorrow?

Before Emma can say anything Regina feels her. She feels her standing behind her. She feels her presence and her unique smell. She does not dare turn around though. What will she find if she does? Is Emma a ghost? Is she a shadow like the one Hook sent from Neverland? Or is it just Emma, Emma back from the dead because why not?, she's the damn Savior, product of true love, magic impersonated, all of the above.

Regina turns around and sees Emma there, solid as ever, and she's crying. Regina goes to her and hugs her. She has so many questions right now. Has she gone mad? Is Emma real? Is she really alive? How is this possible? Before she can voice them she feels Emma trembling so she holds her tight and helps her to the bed.

"Emma, how are you alive right now?" Regina asks, without once breaking eye contact "I saw you die, Emma." Emma takes a deep breath, she looks so lost "I know, I know, Regina, I don't know either." She looks so lost, so scared "I just had to- why didn't you say something? Before? Why didn't you say?" Regina stares at Emma, she doesn't want to go into it right now so she reassures Emma, tells her that everything is going to be ok. It doesn't matter how she came back, it only matters that she's here now. They can talk about them later, first they need to tell her parents, wake Henry up. But Emma stops her "Regina I don't know how long I have before I have to go back." Regina's face falls "go back? Go back where?" And then Emma is gone once more.

.

.

.

NOTES

.

So this was my first attempt at an angsty story. Hope it wasn't too much. I left the ending opened because I just couldn't kill Emma Swan. My SQ heart wouldn't let me. So there's hope I guess. Thank you for reading!

Ps. I'm on IG as Swan. mills7 and on TW as swan_mills7 if you want to chat


End file.
